![]() ![]() To put it simply, think of these two things to formulate your soft start-up: What do I feel? What do I need?Ĭriticism: “You always talk about yourself. Avoid saying “you,” which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way. The Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start-UpĪ complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame by using a soft or gentle start-up. You can download a free PDF version of the The Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes here. But, like Newton’s Third Law, for every horseman there is an antidote, and you can learn how and when to use them below. If you don’t, you risk serious problems in the future of your relationship. ![]() The first step in effectively managing conflict is to identify and counteract The Four Horsemen when they arrive in your conflict discussions. We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve,” because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects that provide opportunities for growth and understanding.Īnd there are problems that you just won’t solve due to natural personality differences between you and your partner, but if you can learn to manage those problems in a healthy way, then your relationship will succeed. Fortunately, our research shows that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. All relationships, even the most successful ones, have conflict.
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